Onion Headlines

Yesterday, The Onion had a job posting for freelance writers on its website. One part of the application required the applicant to come up with 10 proposed Onion headlines. I ran home and hit the computer and quickly came up with my ten and sent them off -- only to be greeted by an auto-reply saying that they had more than enough applications and that they would consider me for the next round, which opens in December. (Apparently they rotate their freelance team every six months).

So, bummer; but I'll try again in December. Regardless, writing the headlines was fun. Here is my submission list (won't be able re-use them again in December in anyway as I tried to keep a number of them timely). Let me know what you think and please feel free to post your own! They are terribly fun to write.

With love, Rabbit

My ten Proposed Onion Headlines:

1. Imminent Government Overthrow Thwarted by Clever, Timely Blogging
2. Area Waterpark Dangerously Below Seasonal Average Levels of Toddler Urine
3. Scientists Determine Furballs are Form of Feline Social, Political Commentary
4. Nation Announces New Democracy by Changing its Status on Facebook.
5. Salmonella Detected in Regional Pop Tart Supply.
6. Congress Promotes Investment in Auto Fuel Derived from Fear, Denial and Caribou Excrement.
7. Area Man Still Yammering about New iPhone
8. God Clarifies, Updates Stance on Bacon; Pigs Issue Blanket Statement in Response
9. Porcine Aviation Breakthrough Signals Possible McCain Victory in November.
10. NBC Retracts Fallon Deal for "Late Night"'; "C'mon -- Just Kidding" says Peacock Network


Bonus: Top Reasons the Baby Still Isn't Asleep:

1. Lullaby about cradle in treetop too scary;

2. Crappy vanilla soy milk in bottle;

3. Some asshole took pacifier and he must pay.